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February 12, 2003 (date on e-mail)
Anders Harrison ~SF PB4~: *shrugs* I guess I'll go....... *thinks for a minute* I wanna tell a funny story tonight.
Anders Harrison ~SF PB4~: Years ago, there was a king of a great Silver Fang sept, who I'll call "John" for his sake. He has a beautiful kinfolk wife named Allison, and they lived together in a cabin in the bawn. It happened that a kinfolk, Floyd, needed a place to stay, and John decided to take him in. Floyd and Allison lusted after each other, but John kept a very close eyes on her....
Anders Harrison ~SF PB4~: But he couldn't watch her all the time, so the very first chance they had, Floyd and Allison got together to plan an affair, when John returnd to the cabin, they pretended they had been busy all day, and John suspected nothing.
Anders Harrison ~SF PB4~: The next day, Floyd made sure John had plenty to drink over lunch, and he was just tipsy enough to be easily fooled. He said, "the theurges say a flood is coming, and everyone should get into tubs that have been tied to the ceiling to be saved. we must all stay in our own and pray to Gaia the whole time. when the flood comes, cut the ropes and we will be safe. If you hear anything while in the tub, it is me and Allison praying as well." John was drunk enough to believe it, and by the evening he was in a tub hanging from the ceiling, praying to the spirits to save him..." ((Yeah, I didn;t write this sotry. Betchya you can't quess who wrote it...))
Anders Harrison ~SF PB4~: Floyd and Allison were having a merry time throughout the night until another of Allisons admirers, Pete, came to the window and started singing to her. "I beg you for just a kiss, Allison!" he cried. He kept going on and on, until Allison stumbled through the dark to the window. "Close your eyes and kiss me" she said. Now she was very annoyed about the distraction, as it was keeping her from floyd. So she stuck her butt out the window, and the fool kissed it is passionatly...
Anders Harrison ~SF PB4~: Allison was laughing so hard, that Pete opened his eyes and saw her butt in his face! He stomped of angrily and allison and floyd got back to it. Pete, furious, went home and got a red-hot iron, he went back to the window and sang, "Oh Allison, I still want you, please give me a real kiss? I have a ring here for you..."
Anders Harrison ~SF PB4~: This time, Floyd went to the window, and stuck ~his~ butt out. Pete said, "I cannot see you, say something to me, my lady, and I will give you this ring"
Anders Harrison ~SF PB4~: So, Floyd, annoyed at the disruption, farted as loud as a thunderclap in Pete's face. Even more furious, Pete crammed the red-hot iron into you know where...."
Anders Harrison ~SF PB4~: Floyd, in great pain, screamed and cried "Water, water!" John, who had fallen asleep in the tub, awoke and though, "That must be the flood." So he cut the rope, and fell from the ceiling, breaking all of his limbs. The end."
Theo MacLloyd: *He wipes a few tears from his eyes and stands, cracking his neck a little. He puts on his game face.*
Theo MacLloyd: That be aw right excellent tale Mistar Anders. Now, this here be tha tale oerf the time I cleaned tha bilge.
Theo MacLloyd: It be a rainy evening if SeeAteAll when it be happenin'. I'd been practicing me rapior skills *Fakes a jab and slash at the air with his hand* when I be call 'fore ole' Powarpoint. Ya know he be the Rat King oerf them thar parts. He be here in Nawcropolis once if I be recalling meself right. *Turns his head down in reflection as he waves one finger*
Theo MacLloyd: Now that be a wee bit oerf time ago, don't ya know, and Timmy, Craig, 'nd Vinny be thar at the time fer some business oer another. We be meetin' at the entrance ta the infamous Rat King's throne room. Oerf cawrse, I *Points to himself in satisfaction* be stepping farward ta open that thar door and goin' in ta ask what be the problem been as how I be ready ta be fightin' anything that be threatin' tha nest.
Theo MacLloyd: Well, ya see Powerpoint be sayin' thar be these here Thundarwearms in tha bilge that we be needin' ta be cleanin' out. It be than that I be seen the sheer importawce oerf tha mission. Aftar all, if ya can't be usin' tha latrine, ya be in dire straits, don't ya know. So we be goin' to tha bilge ta be seein' jawst how terribawle that problem be.
Theo MacLloyd: As we be comin' up awn tha bilge, we be seen sevaral oerf them big Metis Wawrriars holdin' tha hatch shawt with awll oerf theiar might. Thar be screechin' awnd bellowin' comin' fawrm behind tha hatch the likes oerf which would be chillin' nawrmal shiftars ta tha bone, but not me and me crew. Now, the others be in fer tha deerect awpproach, but I be havin' a plan, crafty Pierat that I be ya see.
Theo MacLloyd: We had them Wawrriars be opennin' that thar door and soon as it be opened, I be going awmbral. In thar, I be noticin' thar be nothin' bawt aw whee bane ta me eyes, but that not be me foe at that time, don't ya know. I walked ta tha centar oerf tha room before comin' back ta this 'ere plane right in the fray. Thar be wearms everywhar. Not just them whee 'ens though me lads. *Puts his hands close together to illustrate* They be young 'uns. Be as wide as me body *Arms fling out to attempt to show the width* and long as one oerf them bus contraptions. Before they be noticin' me, I be shoutin' ta the lads to let 'em know oerf tha beasts, "Thar be wearms in this here latrine!!!" Froem the reaction oerf the beasts, I be knowen they be scared though 'cause they be facin' tha Greatest Rapieror this side oerf the Eight Archepelagers! That be when they be deciden' ta attack me.
Theo MacLloyd: I be dodgin' ta me left *Feigns to dodge, but oddly to the right.*, and ta me right *Feigns to dodge, not so oddly, to the left*. Mawvin' out oerf tha way oerf thar jaws second hand and slashin' em with me rapier. I be fellin' em by the 'undreds, dont ya know. Me lads be fightin' valiantly as well, mind ya, from tha door, but they be knowen thar be nothin' ta fear if I be in tha fray. Now, bout the time we be finishin' em oerf, me crew be comin' in ta clean up tha mess. Timmy, may Rat bless 'em, be checkin' one oerf them latrines, when I be gettin' aw twinge oerf a notion that tha battle be far from ovar. Up from tha depths oerf tha seat be comin' tha lawrgest wearm I be seein' in awll me time 'ere. Granted we be fighten' wearms twice the size whar I be from, but this be tha mawther oerf all them othars, I be guessin'.
Theo MacLloyd: It be the size oerf me foerm head ta tail in width, and long as a Squirrelkin War Galley. Its teeth be long as me rapier *Puts his hands together to make a maw that he snaps at everyone listening*, and its stench be so foul, I be needin' ta be bathin' far weeks ta be rid oerf it. This time, I be knowen that I be needin' me lads 'elp cause it be havin' its sights oern Timmy ta be its next meal. I be leapin' oern its back while the rest oerf me lads be pepperin' it with musket fire ta be creatin' aw devarsion. Meanwhile, Timmy be runnin' fawr his life froem the jaws oerf tha beast. I be slashin' it ta no end fawr it be armawred far beyond them young ones. Timmy be near his last breath when I be hearin' and idee froem Vinny. He be a right bright Ratkin fer someone not bein' aw Pierat. Maybe his fawthar be one.
Theo MacLloyd: He be sayin' that we be needin' ta be gettin' rid oerf tha beast's hide ta be injurin' it. So I be usin' awll oerf me might and peelin' aw piece oerf that mawnstrosity's skin fearom it. It be lettin' out a shriek as it be knowin' it be done far and it be thrashin' round ta be throwin' me oerff, but I be holdin' awn. It be no differant than them teephoons, granted a wee one, in me home and I be peircin' it with one stroke. The creature be given one last thrash before it be finally fallin' ta me blade right before it be getting Timmy.
Theo MacLloyd: 'Bout this time, me buckos, I be hearin' a squeakin foerm in the cornar. Bein' tha awbservant rat that I be, I chose ta be investagatin'. That be when I be seein' that thar be one oerf them Scouts, Tawnnel Runnars if ya will, shiverin' in his fur. Sad irony oerf it all was he be in tha latrine but not be needin' ta be usin' it any more if ya know what I be gettin' at. So me darin' exploits be includin' even tha rescue oerf a loose boweled Ratkin, and that be the story oerf the time I be defeatin' tha Thundarwearms ta clean ouer bilge. *Bows to show the end of his story.*
Anders Harrison ~SF PB4~: *nods* Well told.
Theo MacLloyd: Thank ya lad. Ya be quite tha Spinnar oerf tales yarself.
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